7

Forcing my thoughts backward is not an easy thing. I have been reflecting a lot on the last 7 years.  It's amazing when you group your life into a few years what you end up remembering....but for me...there is this covering of grace I see when I look back.

I feel rescued. From myself mostly...but rescued from a life that had a huge potential of being less than authentic. Wheh...nothing like a big fat dose of getting to be myself that puts a smile on my face. Eight years ago I was a sad mom that had changed my career and smoked way too much. I was working my tail off to make it in a hard industry. I had a husband who was hardly ever at home and my one shining little light that I call Bug...she made it bearable. I drove to a conference in September of that year thinking how great it was going to be for everyone else, but I was less than thrilled to be going. Then...the 2x4...the words that were spoken from my Father were ones that demanded authenticity. Not only did He demand it, there was a cloud that promised to rain down on me till I was soaked in reality and guaranteed to drench me till I could only utter words of truth...even if they were ugly. The cloud hovered over my life for a year...constantly threatening to poor...but I was busy...then one year later the words that would strike the chords of truth in my life filled a room and the table underneath me gave way: non viable life...

a n d   t h e   f i r s t   d r o p  f e l l..

Do you think God sits in great anticipation of us? I am listening to Kari Jobe sing Revelation song, written by  Jennie Lee Riddle and it made me wonder if when Kari first sang this...God was stooped over and whispering to His angels: 'Listen! Listen...this is the one I was telling you about that you would love'.

If there is anything being in chronic pain has brought on for me, it is great anticipation of His return. Oh how I long for my heavenly body. I am excited to know what a pain free life will be like...and there is no doubt I will have that someday.  I do though...wonder...if in our great anticipation of Him we miss His great anticipation of us. We know the need of the body of Christ, the idea that as members we all have a part to play.

Somehow the concept that He is stooped over me whispering to His angels: 'This is it...you guys...this is what I was telling you about that she would do...' The excitement of the hosts that could only listen to His stories of what we would accomplish until it was done so they could finally see what He was getting them so excited for...and we have a whole host of angels cheering us f o r e w a r d....

It's just a thought...

Have you found your calling?

anticipation [ænˌtɪsɪˈpeɪʃən]

n

1. the act of anticipating; expectation, premonition, or foresight

f o r w a r d

Seems easy to write when no one is reading...or watching. I debated starting this as anonymous, but maybe that's a little to chicken...

It has been years since I felt the move to write. I would set goals for myself, publish them, then hide in silence since there was no forward movement with them. That wasn't all...I have suffered the last 4 years...it's physical...and sometimes emotional...spiritual...whatever you want to call it. Suffering is suffering. Part of my silence was fueled by feeling like I'd missed the boat. I could read back at previous writings and think I couldn't be that writer anymore. I wasn't up to snuff. This morning however, I woke with a word,
       
          f o r w a r d

Whether I will live the rest of my life in physical pain or not...I need to move forward...
Whether I write and it's simply ridiculous or a rant from something I've seen...I need to move forward...
Whether I failed miserably at waking up to my alarm and seeking refuge in the quiet with my God...I need to move forward..

Forward can be a complicated word...but I don't mean it as in the verb tense...I'm thinking forward more in the realm of an adverb...here's the definition:

adjective

6.

directed toward a point in advance; moving ahead; onward: a forward motion.

7.

being in a condition of advancement; well-advanced: It was quite forward in the season when wefinished our planting.

8.

ready, prompt, or eager.

9.

presumptuous, impertinent, or bold: a rude, forward child.

10.

situated in the front or forepart: the forward part of the ship.

I like the idea of forward this way much more...because it's not only idea of advancing...but the idea that I can...when called...be forward.

So FORWARD it is...whatever that looks like. No promises. Just ready...situated...directed...