Last night before he went off to bed I grabbed our most recent purchase...a cute squirrel puppet whose name I have already forgotten...and I asked the boy: What are your worries? The boy said: I don't like school. Squirrel said: Boy would you let me take your worries and hold on to them till you come home from school? The boy nodded and hugged the squirrel and trotted off to bed.
At 7 am I walked into my room where my little man is nestled under the covers of my bed and I crawled in between the covers and started singing.... you are my sunshine...
At 7:02 the boy stretched and smiled and declared he was ready for the day.
At 7:15 the boy cried because I had purchased him hot lunch and he didn't know if he would like it...
This is a victory...I can conquer one thing at a time. Moving f o r w a r d we will decide on hot lunch together...he will make the decision and I will let him...and he will not be anxious about that one thing.
Moving f o r w a r d we will pull puppets out and make our worries known to them and the animal friends will then make sure the boy knows God will be in charge of the puppets and the worries until the next day.
small steps...forward.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Fear Forward
Deuteronomy 31:(NIV)
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I have been paralyzed by fear before..stopped dead in my tracks incapable of moving. I'm afraid now but this time the fear moves me forward. I'm a very visual person and I often paint scenes in my head of where I feel I'm at...make sense? When we found out about Isaac the first scene in my head was me standing in the middle of a busy street...my life had stopped yet the world around me whizzed by at high speed. No one cared that my world had just dropped out from under me...the world was still busy...thriving...moving toward it's next appointment....and I stood in the middle of it...stoic. The picture I am painting in my mind now is dark. I am in a hallway that is painted black and with each step I take ... and only with that step...is my way illuminated. I am alone. One step at a time...moving forward...in fear and trembling...the Lord my God goes with me.
We all say it...'If I could take your pain..or....If I could take your sadness...or...If I could be sick for you......
I would...
These days that seem so normal on the outside are agonizing on the inside. I wake up every morning with the expectation that I don't know which side of my six year old I will get...but most certainly I know there will be tears and worry...and I will hold him in my arms and sing:
you are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you make me happy
when skies are gray..
.....
Eventually he will smile and let go and we will move on to the next thing we have to overcome...and I will undoubtedly whisper 'if I could take it away...I would' but this is part of his story...and there is no taking it away. So I move forward making appointments and phone calls desperately seeking some advice on what is and what isn't normal. When you hear your son tell you he doesn't want to feel like 'this' and every day he wakes up he feels like 'this' and he doesn't want to do it anymore.......and he's 6....he's only 6....fear will move you forward.
He told me two days ago he didn't want to be cool...he just wanted to be normal. I will help him find normal...one lighted step at a time...and hopefully the scene in my mind will eventually change and I will find the door that opens us up to the light. In the meantime my God will go before me and with me and will even carry me when I can't go anymore...and even though this feels like the loneliest place I've been in a long time...I'm so grateful for His companionship...
Fear F O R W A R D
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
immobile
It happens. This painful moment when you are beckoned forward but your feet don't move. Fear grips your thoughts. The what if's terrify you. But the only way you know what is to come is by moving. Beth Moore once said God has something great on the other side of what broke your heart the most. I'm so scared of my heart breaking again. I'm lost. The more I listen and hear, the more His hands dig in to rip away the pieces He wants to see go, the deeper my heels dig in...
I can't move forward...
Time to be carried.......
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Is 46:4
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Is 46:4
fear
[feer] Show IPA
noun
1.
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real orimagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension,consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms:courage, security, calm, intrepidity.
2.
a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights. Synonyms:phobia, aversion; bête noire, bogy, bogey, bugbear. Antonyms: liking, fondness, penchant,predilection.
3.
concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.
lost
[lawst, lost] Show IPA
adjective
1.
no longer possessed or retained: lost friends.
2.
no longer to be found: lost articles.
3.
having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc.: lost children.
4.
not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted: a lost advantage.
5.
being something that someone has failed to win: a lost prize.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Drama and Cheap Perfume
It's hard to move forward when the past keeps breaking our progress.
My sweet little one has struggled with friendship for years. I'm hoping she doesn't read this till she's in her 20's so she will never know I've put her junk out there for all the world to read but sometimes it's great when we can learn from other peoples junk...right....(insert cricket noises here)....anyone??
Albeit she is only a child, but she's a complicated one and she's teaching me sooooo....
Listen...it's hard being a kid. Especially when you're a girl and you don't got the 'one' friend. You know what I mean? I certainly do. When I was her age we lived over seas and I left one very best friend in Texas. While our family moved to Belgrade, hers moved to the Philippines and my heart was broken because I no longer had a best friend. For years I agonized over wanting a best friend. I got my feelings hurt a LOT. I was not the cool girl and most of the time my friends quickly showed their true colors when one of my three gorgeous brothers wouldn't pay attention to the 'friend' and all of a sudden...no friend...
My child is different. When she was in the first grade she agonized over wanting a friend but all the girls wanted to play princess and puppies and no one wanted to play scientist. Fast forward a few years and she decides it's better to avoid girls altogether so she doesn't feel that pain so why not just play football with the boys...ugh. Now picture this...a group of solid boys probably pushing the 4 ft to 5 ft range and most of them 70 to 80 lbs...and in the midst of them a girl. Small. The size of a seven year old (she's 10) weighing in at a whopping 53 lbs. Long blonde hair and not so tall...and she wants to play so bad...and so do the boys...just not with a girl. Desperate for companionship she pushes every day to play and every day she comes home crying....until the one hit that finally forced me to say no. It wasn't just that she was going to get hurt...any parent could see that coming from a mile away...it was that I was saying no to her one outlet to heal some of the wound that was oozing with the pain and infection of loneliness. We both cried. But I had to put my foot down. It was the best decision ever. But it didn't solve the fact we still had a wound to heal. So what now?
In an effort to push her out of her comfort zone and move her thoughts and cares away from the girls at school we decided a team sport was the way to go. After much prayer and thought we landed right where we needed to be. For privacy sake I will tell you only that she is on an awesome team but it hasn't been easy. We have had a really rough start and frankly I wasn't sure we would make it as far as we have. Mind you we aren't that deep in but we've sprouted roots so I think were going to stay and grow a bit. Here's the hard part and now I can finally get to where I'm going with this...no matter where you go girls will be girls and drama will follow like a trail of bad perfume. You try so hard not to breath it in but it just permeates and stinks up your life. So what I'm finding is we moms need to remember that not only are we responsible for growing our daughters into mature young ladies, we are also responsible for growing good friends. Are you teaching your daughter what that looks like? When she hears you speak does she hear gossip? Or a prayer and tears for someone you genuinely love and care for? Do her ears absorb ugly talk or are they learning what words of encouragement sound like? It's hard to be a friend when you haven't been given much chance at learning how to be one...it's even harder when your path of friendship is riddled with fragmented high school nightmares that continue to mark our trail.
I have had an opportunity to watch three distinct group of girls and their parents interact over the last few weeks. I have been avoided and ignored and you know I'm OK with that because...I have awesome friends....and I don't mind saying I'm a pretty good friend myself. I was treated poorly enough growing up I knew I wanted to always be a good friend. But I've also experienced a lot if life hurt and brokenness that has demanded I be authentic and truthful with those I call friends. They hold me accountable because they KNOW me for real. So not being immediately included is not a threat...but my momma ears and heart are on high alert...why? Because these women that are seemingly too busy with the drama behind the team scene are growing girls...and creating friends...and I'm not sure the medicine is what the doctor ordered for my girl. Here is where it gets even more exciting for me...this is an amazing opportunity for my Bug to see what kind of friend she needs and should be. She can see how god created her heart to love and encourage and give and maybe even be a little infectious with her sweetness and beauty. And I ... I get to do the same.
No matter where you are in life there is always someone around you that needs a friend....mind you some if us just have enough and were not looking to add anymore...but I do believe no matter where we are we are called to that place to show F O R W A R D momentum of authenticity and goodness. I may not need more friends but I can be there to show My Bug what real friendship looks like. It's ugly out there girls...we need less drama, less surface and more deep rooted, long lasting, sweet smelling authentic friendships. Ones that don't carry insecurity as their scarves and jealousy as their hats. Friendships that don't have the high school letter jacket in theatrics and broken hearts.
Let's grow some friends. It won't be easy...but I think we can try!
friend
— noun
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
My sweet little one has struggled with friendship for years. I'm hoping she doesn't read this till she's in her 20's so she will never know I've put her junk out there for all the world to read but sometimes it's great when we can learn from other peoples junk...right....(insert cricket noises here)....anyone??
Albeit she is only a child, but she's a complicated one and she's teaching me sooooo....
Listen...it's hard being a kid. Especially when you're a girl and you don't got the 'one' friend. You know what I mean? I certainly do. When I was her age we lived over seas and I left one very best friend in Texas. While our family moved to Belgrade, hers moved to the Philippines and my heart was broken because I no longer had a best friend. For years I agonized over wanting a best friend. I got my feelings hurt a LOT. I was not the cool girl and most of the time my friends quickly showed their true colors when one of my three gorgeous brothers wouldn't pay attention to the 'friend' and all of a sudden...no friend...
My child is different. When she was in the first grade she agonized over wanting a friend but all the girls wanted to play princess and puppies and no one wanted to play scientist. Fast forward a few years and she decides it's better to avoid girls altogether so she doesn't feel that pain so why not just play football with the boys...ugh. Now picture this...a group of solid boys probably pushing the 4 ft to 5 ft range and most of them 70 to 80 lbs...and in the midst of them a girl. Small. The size of a seven year old (she's 10) weighing in at a whopping 53 lbs. Long blonde hair and not so tall...and she wants to play so bad...and so do the boys...just not with a girl. Desperate for companionship she pushes every day to play and every day she comes home crying....until the one hit that finally forced me to say no. It wasn't just that she was going to get hurt...any parent could see that coming from a mile away...it was that I was saying no to her one outlet to heal some of the wound that was oozing with the pain and infection of loneliness. We both cried. But I had to put my foot down. It was the best decision ever. But it didn't solve the fact we still had a wound to heal. So what now?
In an effort to push her out of her comfort zone and move her thoughts and cares away from the girls at school we decided a team sport was the way to go. After much prayer and thought we landed right where we needed to be. For privacy sake I will tell you only that she is on an awesome team but it hasn't been easy. We have had a really rough start and frankly I wasn't sure we would make it as far as we have. Mind you we aren't that deep in but we've sprouted roots so I think were going to stay and grow a bit. Here's the hard part and now I can finally get to where I'm going with this...no matter where you go girls will be girls and drama will follow like a trail of bad perfume. You try so hard not to breath it in but it just permeates and stinks up your life. So what I'm finding is we moms need to remember that not only are we responsible for growing our daughters into mature young ladies, we are also responsible for growing good friends. Are you teaching your daughter what that looks like? When she hears you speak does she hear gossip? Or a prayer and tears for someone you genuinely love and care for? Do her ears absorb ugly talk or are they learning what words of encouragement sound like? It's hard to be a friend when you haven't been given much chance at learning how to be one...it's even harder when your path of friendship is riddled with fragmented high school nightmares that continue to mark our trail.
I have had an opportunity to watch three distinct group of girls and their parents interact over the last few weeks. I have been avoided and ignored and you know I'm OK with that because...I have awesome friends....and I don't mind saying I'm a pretty good friend myself. I was treated poorly enough growing up I knew I wanted to always be a good friend. But I've also experienced a lot if life hurt and brokenness that has demanded I be authentic and truthful with those I call friends. They hold me accountable because they KNOW me for real. So not being immediately included is not a threat...but my momma ears and heart are on high alert...why? Because these women that are seemingly too busy with the drama behind the team scene are growing girls...and creating friends...and I'm not sure the medicine is what the doctor ordered for my girl. Here is where it gets even more exciting for me...this is an amazing opportunity for my Bug to see what kind of friend she needs and should be. She can see how god created her heart to love and encourage and give and maybe even be a little infectious with her sweetness and beauty. And I ... I get to do the same.
No matter where you are in life there is always someone around you that needs a friend....mind you some if us just have enough and were not looking to add anymore...but I do believe no matter where we are we are called to that place to show F O R W A R D momentum of authenticity and goodness. I may not need more friends but I can be there to show My Bug what real friendship looks like. It's ugly out there girls...we need less drama, less surface and more deep rooted, long lasting, sweet smelling authentic friendships. Ones that don't carry insecurity as their scarves and jealousy as their hats. Friendships that don't have the high school letter jacket in theatrics and broken hearts.
Let's grow some friends. It won't be easy...but I think we can try!
friend
— noun
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Happy Birthday
I think I would be remise if I didn't take the time to lay out my heart today. It seems as we get older birthdays become less important and then we have children and the excitement shifts from ourselves to the extensions of our beating heart that have taken over our worlds. We plan the best parties and agonize over the perfect gift and then the day comes and we etch the excited looks only their eyes can display into our hearts for eternity.
Then there are those birthdays that couple as anniversaries. On November 21st 2000 I turned 26 and mourned the anniversary of my grandfathers death. I could say I lost the magic of birthdays when I turned 25 and lost one of greatest men to walk the face of this earth...but if I was to be honest...birthdays in general held no magic...they just reminded me of what we were unwillingly racing toward with every heart beat...and I recognized that at the age of 6.
Fast forward a few years and it's January 2nd 2007...seven years ago...too overcome with grief and blanketed with disbelief we held our baby boy in our arms and tried our hardest to memorize his face. It was his birthday and he would share that day with the anniversary of his own death. When the Christmas decorations go up and the holiday music begins I get lost in memories of feeling him kick and being desperate to hold on to him as long as I can...and the hard memories that sicken me of my own selfishness to just be done with the journey. I just wanted to rush f o r e w a r d to see...would God hold out the biggest miracle ever for me? No...not right now...not this time...those memories burn...and now...I stand at a graveside to be close to him...not at his bedside...January will forever barrel down on us and while people around me talk about New Years resolutions their voices echo as I try to fight back the resentment of not getting to plan his birthday. I cry. I sing. I thank God. I remember that life's hardship isn't consequence of sin yet rather the evidence of Gods faithfulness to us....how He sustains me. How He reminds me when everyone else forgets that He has me...He has Isaac..and remembers me...He is gracious and mighty to save. So as the tears flow and I mourn the loss and commemorate his birthday all in one confusing moment...I am ever reminded I will hold him one day...and he WILL KNOW ME.
Birthdays, anniversaries, death, moments...what a blessing we even get to have them to begin with....that much I do know.
Dear Isaac
Seven years my sweet boy...that's how old you are. I picture your dark hair and wonder how you must look now. I have to believe you favor me since your brother and sister definitely do not. You were so little in my arms...I could have held you forever. I am proud to know you are mine. What fun you would have had with your cousins this Christmas...Zachary and Neva are close to your age and I'm certain you would be great pals. I know you have Alex and I'm positive the both of you give the saints fits of laughter. Oh how my chest aches to hold you, how my fingers long to comb through your hair. I miss you. Even though our lives get busy, Isaac I never forget you. Happy birthday son. I love you.
Mom
Then there are those birthdays that couple as anniversaries. On November 21st 2000 I turned 26 and mourned the anniversary of my grandfathers death. I could say I lost the magic of birthdays when I turned 25 and lost one of greatest men to walk the face of this earth...but if I was to be honest...birthdays in general held no magic...they just reminded me of what we were unwillingly racing toward with every heart beat...and I recognized that at the age of 6.
Fast forward a few years and it's January 2nd 2007...seven years ago...too overcome with grief and blanketed with disbelief we held our baby boy in our arms and tried our hardest to memorize his face. It was his birthday and he would share that day with the anniversary of his own death. When the Christmas decorations go up and the holiday music begins I get lost in memories of feeling him kick and being desperate to hold on to him as long as I can...and the hard memories that sicken me of my own selfishness to just be done with the journey. I just wanted to rush f o r e w a r d to see...would God hold out the biggest miracle ever for me? No...not right now...not this time...those memories burn...and now...I stand at a graveside to be close to him...not at his bedside...January will forever barrel down on us and while people around me talk about New Years resolutions their voices echo as I try to fight back the resentment of not getting to plan his birthday. I cry. I sing. I thank God. I remember that life's hardship isn't consequence of sin yet rather the evidence of Gods faithfulness to us....how He sustains me. How He reminds me when everyone else forgets that He has me...He has Isaac..and remembers me...He is gracious and mighty to save. So as the tears flow and I mourn the loss and commemorate his birthday all in one confusing moment...I am ever reminded I will hold him one day...and he WILL KNOW ME.
Birthdays, anniversaries, death, moments...what a blessing we even get to have them to begin with....that much I do know.
Dear Isaac
Seven years my sweet boy...that's how old you are. I picture your dark hair and wonder how you must look now. I have to believe you favor me since your brother and sister definitely do not. You were so little in my arms...I could have held you forever. I am proud to know you are mine. What fun you would have had with your cousins this Christmas...Zachary and Neva are close to your age and I'm certain you would be great pals. I know you have Alex and I'm positive the both of you give the saints fits of laughter. Oh how my chest aches to hold you, how my fingers long to comb through your hair. I miss you. Even though our lives get busy, Isaac I never forget you. Happy birthday son. I love you.
Mom
com·mem·o·rate
kəˈmeməˌrāt/
verb
- 1.recall and show respect for (someone or something) in a ceremony."a wreath-laying ceremony to commemorate the war dead"
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