Happy Birthday

I think I would be remise if I didn't take the time to lay out my heart today. It seems as we get older birthdays become less important and then we have children and the excitement shifts from ourselves to the extensions of our beating heart that have taken over our worlds. We plan the best parties and agonize over the perfect gift and then the day comes and we etch the excited looks only their eyes can display into our hearts for eternity.

Then there are those birthdays that couple as anniversaries. On November 21st 2000 I turned 26 and mourned the anniversary of my grandfathers death. I could say I lost the magic of birthdays when I turned 25 and lost one of greatest men to walk the face of this earth...but if I was to be honest...birthdays in general held no magic...they just reminded me of what we were unwillingly racing toward with every heart beat...and I recognized that at the age of 6.

Fast forward a few years and it's January 2nd 2007...seven years ago...too overcome with grief and blanketed with disbelief we held our baby boy in our arms and tried our hardest to memorize his face. It was his birthday and he would share that day with the anniversary of his own death.  When the Christmas decorations go up and the holiday music begins I get lost in memories of feeling him kick and being desperate to hold on to him as long as I can...and the hard memories that sicken me of my own selfishness to just be done with the journey. I just wanted to rush f o r e w a r d to see...would God hold out the biggest miracle ever for me?  No...not right now...not this time...those memories burn...and now...I stand at a graveside to be close to him...not at his bedside...January will forever barrel down on us and while people around me talk about New Years resolutions their voices echo as I try to fight back the resentment of not getting to plan his birthday.  I cry. I sing. I thank God. I remember that life's hardship isn't consequence of sin yet rather the evidence of Gods faithfulness to us....how He sustains me. How He reminds me when everyone else forgets that He has me...He has Isaac..and remembers me...He is gracious and mighty to save. So as the tears flow and I mourn the loss and commemorate his birthday all in one confusing moment...I am ever reminded I will hold him one day...and he WILL KNOW ME.

Birthdays, anniversaries, death, moments...what a blessing we even get to have them to begin with....that much I do know.


Dear Isaac
Seven years my sweet boy...that's how old you are. I picture your dark hair and wonder how you must look now. I have to believe you favor me since your brother and sister definitely do not. You were so little in my arms...I could have held you forever. I am proud to know you are mine. What fun you would have had with your cousins this Christmas...Zachary and Neva are close to your age and I'm certain you would be great pals. I know you have Alex and I'm positive the both of you give the saints fits of laughter. Oh how my chest aches to hold you, how my fingers long to comb through your hair.  I miss you.  Even though our lives get busy, Isaac I never forget you. Happy birthday son. I love you.

Mom

com·mem·o·rate

kəˈmeməˌrāt/

verb

1. 1.

   recall and show respect for (someone or something) in a ceremony.

   "a wreath-laying ceremony to commemorate the war dead"