Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Reality

I don't find a lot of time to dwell on my current situation. I love my friends and family for their support...always lifting me up in prayer and telling me they don't know how I do it. Quietly I ask myself the same question...and sometimes I think I'm making this up...this is not my world or my reality...I can't possibly have lived in pain for 7 years now. It's around 2555 days, 61,320 hours of pain...no breaks...

Some days are worse and that is when I factor in the reality of it...so like tonight...when I'm not in my bed and I've searched my house and walked the floors and put the couch into a position I can lay upside down with my feet in the air...that is when I start to think... Man this sucks...

The reality of it is ... I'm taking each breath and each second by the grace of God...I have no choice but to breath in and breath out. I work and focus and love and eat and sleep (when my body will allow it)...I drive kids to school, cook (when I can tolerate standing in the kitchen to make a meal for my family)...I make lunches when my husband doesn't do it... I drive to appointments, field trips...I am room mom and I'm the booster club president...and as I'm writing this I'm realizing this is all a mechanism to keep going and to keep me less focused on the pain. Somehow being so involved helps me feel less alone in it. 

There is no beauty to be held in gritting your teeth and baring it when the end result is you are still suffering.  It's pure, undiluted angst and misery and it is my reality....some days I hate it...most days I try not to think about it...but I will most likely never escape it. 

I am not saying any of this for pity because I am WELL aware how good I have it. I don't have cancer, I have not lost limbs, I can function on medication, I have been blessed in my business, I find comfort in the arms of my man who hasn't left this mess yet and I have children that light up my world with fascinating light. I am so grateful. I am so grateful for the pain. I am so grateful that my reality is this when it could be so much worse. So as I lay here...legs twisted over the top of my couch, listening to the sound of crickets outside and knowing my babies are safe in their beds...I hate that I'm here and I hate my circumstances...but I love so much that I'm right where I am. 

“My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.”Psalm 119:50 NIV








1 comment:

  1. You’ve gone through a long hallway of pure darkness. And still, you haven’t fully reached that light which is now, able to be seen so closely. I don’t know how someone so charismatic and full of life as you, have gone through what you have. And yet everyday, like clock work you remain to carry on a smile, and remain so strong.

    I can’t stress enough how highly I look up to you. Where you find your strength? I have not the slightest fucking clue, but I think its incredible to have been able to watch you overcome so much in the past few years. And for that, you’re deeply admired and respected.

    Not only are you admired for your never-ending strength, but for all of your other outstanding characteristics. You’re seen in the most beautiful light. You’re compassion is endless. You go to great lengths to help others – not because you feel obligated to do so, but because you genuinely want to help. In which your help always ends with a positive impact. It’s very seldom you come across people with such a large heart.

    You carry yourself with so much grace and light after going through the deepest of all hell…

    I also want you to know that I look up to you for never letting your talents fall apart due to dark times and/or because of others discouragement. You’re the most beautiful, honest, and well person I know. Never stop. Nor, second guess what you decide to do, say or write. You’re words can be a positive influential movement to someone. I wouldn’t even be surprised if someones life could be saved by them. From your writings, you’re able to let others learn, understand, and even better them as an individual.

    I guess I just want you to know how strong you are. Sometimes I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. Maybe, you need to come across this to see it from someone else’s perspective. I am so proud to see how far you have come. And even more proud to know that you have gone through great lengths to make better for YOURSELF and not others.

    Never stop smiling, and hold your head up higher than ever. You deserve nothing but the most blissful and content life. I hold the strongest appreciation of being able to share a sisterly like bond and friendship with you. Thanks for always being there – through the good and the bad. You have brought a great deal of insight into my life and I’ve learned so much from you.

    I appreciate you more than my words can say.

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