Some days are worse and that is when I factor in the reality of it...so like tonight...when I'm not in my bed and I've searched my house and walked the floors and put the couch into a position I can lay upside down with my feet in the air...that is when I start to think... Man this sucks...
The reality of it is ... I'm taking each breath and each second by the grace of God...I have no choice but to breath in and breath out. I work and focus and love and eat and sleep (when my body will allow it)...I drive kids to school, cook (when I can tolerate standing in the kitchen to make a meal for my family)...I make lunches when my husband doesn't do it... I drive to appointments, field trips...I am room mom and I'm the booster club president...and as I'm writing this I'm realizing this is all a mechanism to keep going and to keep me less focused on the pain. Somehow being so involved helps me feel less alone in it.
There is no beauty to be held in gritting your teeth and baring it when the end result is you are still suffering. It's pure, undiluted angst and misery and it is my reality....some days I hate it...most days I try not to think about it...but I will most likely never escape it.
I am not saying any of this for pity because I am WELL aware how good I have it. I don't have cancer, I have not lost limbs, I can function on medication, I have been blessed in my business, I find comfort in the arms of my man who hasn't left this mess yet and I have children that light up my world with fascinating light. I am so grateful. I am so grateful for the pain. I am so grateful that my reality is this when it could be so much worse. So as I lay here...legs twisted over the top of my couch, listening to the sound of crickets outside and knowing my babies are safe in their beds...I hate that I'm here and I hate my circumstances...but I love so much that I'm right where I am.
“My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.”Psalm 119:50 NIV
