Fear Forward

Deuteronomy 31:(NIV)

6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I have been paralyzed by fear before..stopped dead in my tracks incapable of moving. I'm afraid now but this time the fear moves me forward. I'm a very visual person and I often paint scenes  in my head of where I feel I'm at...make sense? When we found out about Isaac the first scene in my head was me standing in the middle of a busy street...my life had stopped yet the world around me whizzed by at high speed. No one cared that my world had just dropped out from under me...the world was still busy...thriving...moving toward it's next appointment....and I stood in the middle of it...stoic. The picture I am painting in my mind now is dark. I am in a hallway that is painted black and with each step I take ... and only with that step...is my way illuminated. I am alone. One step at a time...moving forward...in fear and trembling...the Lord my God goes with me. 

We all say it...'If I could take your pain..or....If I could take your sadness...or...If I could be sick for you......

I would...

These days that seem so normal on the outside are agonizing on the inside. I wake up every morning with the expectation that I don't know which side of my six year old I will get...but most certainly I know there will be tears and worry...and I will hold him in my arms and sing: 

you are my sunshine

my only sunshine

you make me happy

when skies are gray..

.....

Eventually he will smile and let go and we will move on to the next thing we have to overcome...and I will undoubtedly whisper 'if I could take it away...I would' but this is part of his story...and there is no taking it away. So I move forward making appointments and phone calls desperately seeking some advice on what is and what isn't normal. When you hear your son tell you he doesn't want to feel like 'this' and every day he wakes up he feels like 'this' and he doesn't want to do it anymore.......and he's 6....he's only 6....fear will move you forward. 

He told me two days ago he didn't want to be cool...he just wanted to be normal. I will help him find normal...one lighted step at a time...and hopefully the scene in my mind will eventually change and I will find the door that opens us up to the light. In the meantime my God will go before me and with me and will even carry me when I can't go anymore...and even though this feels like the loneliest place I've been in a long time...I'm so grateful for His companionship...

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