My sweet little one has struggled with friendship for years. I'm hoping she doesn't read this till she's in her 20's so she will never know I've put her junk out there for all the world to read but sometimes it's great when we can learn from other peoples junk...right....(insert cricket noises here)....anyone??
Albeit she is only a child, but she's a complicated one and she's teaching me sooooo....
Listen...it's hard being a kid. Especially when you're a girl and you don't got the 'one' friend. You know what I mean? I certainly do. When I was her age we lived over seas and I left one very best friend in Texas. While our family moved to Belgrade, hers moved to the Philippines and my heart was broken because I no longer had a best friend. For years I agonized over wanting a best friend. I got my feelings hurt a LOT. I was not the cool girl and most of the time my friends quickly showed their true colors when one of my three gorgeous brothers wouldn't pay attention to the 'friend' and all of a sudden...no friend...
My child is different. When she was in the first grade she agonized over wanting a friend but all the girls wanted to play princess and puppies and no one wanted to play scientist. Fast forward a few years and she decides it's better to avoid girls altogether so she doesn't feel that pain so why not just play football with the boys...ugh. Now picture this...a group of solid boys probably pushing the 4 ft to 5 ft range and most of them 70 to 80 lbs...and in the midst of them a girl. Small. The size of a seven year old (she's 10) weighing in at a whopping 53 lbs. Long blonde hair and not so tall...and she wants to play so bad...and so do the boys...just not with a girl. Desperate for companionship she pushes every day to play and every day she comes home crying....until the one hit that finally forced me to say no. It wasn't just that she was going to get hurt...any parent could see that coming from a mile away...it was that I was saying no to her one outlet to heal some of the wound that was oozing with the pain and infection of loneliness. We both cried. But I had to put my foot down. It was the best decision ever. But it didn't solve the fact we still had a wound to heal. So what now?
In an effort to push her out of her comfort zone and move her thoughts and cares away from the girls at school we decided a team sport was the way to go. After much prayer and thought we landed right where we needed to be. For privacy sake I will tell you only that she is on an awesome team but it hasn't been easy. We have had a really rough start and frankly I wasn't sure we would make it as far as we have. Mind you we aren't that deep in but we've sprouted roots so I think were going to stay and grow a bit. Here's the hard part and now I can finally get to where I'm going with this...no matter where you go girls will be girls and drama will follow like a trail of bad perfume. You try so hard not to breath it in but it just permeates and stinks up your life. So what I'm finding is we moms need to remember that not only are we responsible for growing our daughters into mature young ladies, we are also responsible for growing good friends. Are you teaching your daughter what that looks like? When she hears you speak does she hear gossip? Or a prayer and tears for someone you genuinely love and care for? Do her ears absorb ugly talk or are they learning what words of encouragement sound like? It's hard to be a friend when you haven't been given much chance at learning how to be one...it's even harder when your path of friendship is riddled with fragmented high school nightmares that continue to mark our trail.
I have had an opportunity to watch three distinct group of girls and their parents interact over the last few weeks. I have been avoided and ignored and you know I'm OK with that because...I have awesome friends....and I don't mind saying I'm a pretty good friend myself. I was treated poorly enough growing up I knew I wanted to always be a good friend. But I've also experienced a lot if life hurt and brokenness that has demanded I be authentic and truthful with those I call friends. They hold me accountable because they KNOW me for real. So not being immediately included is not a threat...but my momma ears and heart are on high alert...why? Because these women that are seemingly too busy with the drama behind the team scene are growing girls...and creating friends...and I'm not sure the medicine is what the doctor ordered for my girl. Here is where it gets even more exciting for me...this is an amazing opportunity for my Bug to see what kind of friend she needs and should be. She can see how god created her heart to love and encourage and give and maybe even be a little infectious with her sweetness and beauty. And I ... I get to do the same.
No matter where you are in life there is always someone around you that needs a friend....mind you some if us just have enough and were not looking to add anymore...but I do believe no matter where we are we are called to that place to show F O R W A R D momentum of authenticity and goodness. I may not need more friends but I can be there to show My Bug what real friendship looks like. It's ugly out there girls...we need less drama, less surface and more deep rooted, long lasting, sweet smelling authentic friendships. Ones that don't carry insecurity as their scarves and jealousy as their hats. Friendships that don't have the high school letter jacket in theatrics and broken hearts.
Let's grow some friends. It won't be easy...but I think we can try!
friend
— noun
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
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