Faithless...
I struggle...daily.... I hear the stories of my friends in their quiet time and their worship time and my skin prickles with angst and callousness. I used to be that person...I loved that time in the morning...sometimes I wonder if I’m lying to myself that it’s so hard to get up that early and get going and having some prayer journal time...because my body is failing me... and then other times i remember this truly is my reality. I feel like my faith is waning.
But I also have to say I feel like it’s fake when i hear the word ‘faithful’ ... ‘he lived a faithful life’ or ‘she is so faithful’ or ‘journey of the faithful’ ... it’s laced and dripping with lies...because no way no how can we keep up the journey without faltering...we are broken and unbelieving and we struggle with the stumbling and that is a lack of faith. I’m just trying to be real.
I sat tonight watching my 94 year old grandma crying in her sleep and yelling because she’s in so much pain. She can’t vocalize her words and say what’s wrong...and the only name she says is ‘mama’ which is my mom...her daughter...and she cries for her. My mother wraps her arms around her mother and whispers...’it’s okay I’m right here...just rest’ and my grandma..with the thin..see through skin and the thin hair and eyes that will barely open...she calms down... i see it unfold and i think...why? What is it all for? I am cynical...I am on shaky ground...and I need You Father to steady me....fill my doubts with your peace...
I honestly think it takes more guts to admit to ourselves that our faith is an ebb and flow of struggle. So I’m here admitting it....over the course of the last 14 years I’ve spoken at retreats and conferences and I’ve taught Bible studies and I’m landing on the pages of ... I did that and I don’t know why because honestly I didn’t really know much.
Faith as small as a mustard seed..that’s what He said... so why do we lie about our faith being so big when all we need is a little...well I can admit I have a little...because He has the rest of it for me. So when I’m crying out because I’m broken and I have nothing left...He can wrap his arms around me and shhhhshhh me to comfort...and i will rest in His arms because He carries all i need.
