Wednesday my man and I celebrated 15 years together. I am in awe of people who have made it 20, 30, and an amazing 40+ years. This crap is hard...can I get an amen?! If you're struggling and you just don't know how to get to the next day...don't give up! You can make it...but you need a lot of dedication and a heck of a lot of prayer. I know it's only been 15 years (19 if you're counting our season of dating) but I wanted to share 6 things that have helped us get to this point. As a quick side note, this will have nothing…absolutely NOTHING to do with finances…if you’re having issues with money…there are a million and one resources for you to read and get it straight so I’m not going to focus on that…but I want to be real with you about thing things that help you stay connected and together…so here goes:
6. Set up argument rules – sounds silly, but this works. You have to both agree on them and they have to at least have one rule where you get to take a break if things are getting heated. Don’t be afraid to rest on an argument as long as you have a rule that you won’t just brush it under the rug after emotions have fizzled a little….besides it’s too much clean up if you do brush it off…you should see under my rugs…there’s no room for left over arguments there…
5. Accountability – there are two types of accountability you really need to have. The first is to each other. Have you ever asked your husband how you’re doing as his wife? Or what you could do differently? It sounds like torture and a set up, but if you are willing to take a little criticism, you’ll be surprised at how he changes for you in turn….besides it’s super fun to watch the confused look that comes over them when they think it’s a trick question. You also need friends that tell you when you're being stupid. The ones that always tell you you're right aren't the right people to run to when you're wanting to watch ID discovery to analyze murders that worked...or untraceable poisons…
4. Learn to pray together - This is a hard one. Many of us don’t make it a priority to pray out loud even when we’re alone. It’s intimidating and I know personally…I get caught thinking of what I’m going to say so I don’t sound stupid…BUT…when you do it enough you become comfortable and you lean less on your words and more on what your heart wants to say. I will personally testify that when you approach the throne together, it can diffuse stress and it can settle arguments faster than you can say ‘Amen’. And seriously…don’t be embarrassed to pray in front of each other…for Pete’s sake you’ve seen each other naked…
3. You’re still here… - Know that there will be moments you just flat out don’t like the other person. You will be in bliss one day and wake up the next to snoring and drool and bad breath and think…ugh…do I have to play nice in the sandbox AGAIN today? Give yourself the permission to be in that space…but boundary yourself to keep it TO yourself and not act it out. No one can like one person 100% of the time. It’s just not possible. If you wake up and you know that is the day…then it’s a good day to go for a walk or spend some time alone and pray. Then…while you’re alone…think about the first time you met…or when you finally realized this guy was giving you butterflies. Dwell on the blessing that he is. When you do that, you come out of the ugly much faster.
# 2 (and the longest part of this whole thing)
2– Take one for the team - Yes I know you’re tired. Yes I know you’ve worked just as hard, haven’t had a break, wiped dirty noses and dirty butts, screamed at the guy that cut you off in his flashy car and almost ran over someone with your cart at the grocery store…and now you have to get home and make dinner, help with homework and your husband has barely said hello to you and you crawl in bed…and he rolls over and puts his hand on your back….sound familiar? If you’re like me my first thought is ‘OH HECK NO’… grrrr… but sometimes you have to take one for the team. Why? Because men are different, because without sex, men are cranky, because it is scientifically proven that the more sex you have, the closer you will become, and you may even start enjoying it. I didn’t make that up…a clinical psychologist who specializes in sex therapy did - Andrea M. Macari, PhD did her own research and found out that even bad sex is good sex. This doesn’t mean you should ever be forced, but ladies sometimes we need to change our way of thinking. We all know what Song of Solomon is about…so we know God created sex not just as an avenue for reproduction but also for pleasure. I’m a firm believer that the more sex you have in a marriage the more chemically stable your marriage becomes. Seem crazy? There is article after article about the mental heal benefits of sex. Not only is it a natural anti-depressant, it reduces stress, boosts your immune system….increases your sense of smell…NO JOKE…and the list goes on…you can read it here with every University reference to the study: http://greatist.com/health/health-benefits-of-sex. (clicke the link below). As women we have to stop trying to impose our own thoughts about sex onto our husband…he will never think about sex like you do and thank God for that…we would REALLY struggle with it if our husbands constantly complained about our lack of cuddling…
Personally I believe it’s all a mystery, but I trust God’s provision and part of His provision is how He created us, Man and Woman, and the more we dig into being a unified couple and all that entails, the healthier we become. Which leads me to my #1
1. Phil 4:13 – I can do all things – and that means I can really do all things, forgive all things, survive all things…all things through Him who gives me strength. Christ has to be your foundation. I don’t have all the answers. I haven’t lived through the worst life has to offer, but my man and I have been through the ringer. We’ve used the word divorce, we’ve slammed doors, we’ve separated, we’ve cried over lost friends, we’ve struggled with health scares, we’ve been financially broken, we’ve buried one of our own children, yes…we’ve walked a lot together. Our marriage has been horrible at times, but even a good marriage is hard…one thing though…we did it all without wavering in our belief that there is no making it without our Heavenly Father being in the center of it all. He’s heard our ugliness, brought us out of despair, laughed at us and danced over us and we are only still married because of who He is and who He has called us to be. There will be times when all you have left is your love for Jesus…but if you love him with all you’ve got, He will do the rest. I promise.
So there you have it. 15 years…15 loooonnng years…but I wouldn’t change a thing…and I’d marry him all over again. I hope this brings you some hope and peace today…and don’t forget…romancing your husband only entails you show up with food….naked.
Have a blessed day and Happy Valentines!
